It's Dawning Upon Me...

Just Not My Day...

2012-01-30T11:03:00.000-08:00

So granted a lot worse things could happen, but today is definately not my day.

Monday, go figure.

It started when I was getting dressed with finding a hole in my pants that would have been noticable in a not so great place. I had done a giant load of laundry the night before and everything else was wet. Which meant finding the time to mend my pants.

Next I drove off to work without my purse. No badge to get past security, no office key, no wallet with drivers licence, no gym card for after work. Turn around to retrieve it. Yep, I'm definately past the couple minutes late mark.

Back on track I'm in the car pulling out of my neighborhood when my normally spill proof travel coffee mug slips out of my hand, lid comes off, coffee everywhere, including on me. Go directly to home. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Pull into work over an hour late. Definately not my day.

Life in the Middle Class

2011-08-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

Isn't life supposed to be better than this? Isn't it supposed to be more exciting?

I feel lied to. You grow up hearing these fairy tales of princesses and happy endings only to be disapointed when nothing even vaguely resembling these stories happens in your own life. You see adults taking vacations, buying nice cars and owning nice homes only to find yourself struggling just to pay your basic bills and driving your old car until the wheels fall off.

When you're young teachers and parents tell you to do your best and that will be enough. But once you get a job you quickly learn that there are times where your best just isn't good enough. And doing your best isn't going to keep your job for you.

As a kid you look at adults and think they are trying to stop you from having fun. You can't wait to grown up and be on your own. But once you are on your own you quickly wish you could go back to being a child.

Daydreaming never stops. There is always the wish and the hope of something more. Wanting to be someone else. Wanting to do something else. Very few people are ever lucky enough to be happy with where they are in life.

And so you find yourself in a moment of frustration yelling into the wind "What's the point?"

From my favorite Philosopher:

"The present is never our goal: the past and present are our means: the future alone is our goal. Thus, we never live but we hope to live; and always hoping to be happy, it is inevitable that we will never be so." - Blaise Pascal

Time for Changes

2011-07-21T12:36:00.001-07:00

I changed jobs recently. Same title, same company, but a new team. It's sad really. I mean, the excitement of new challenges is there along with meeting new people. There is a lot of joy involved. But the thing is that along with all the joy comes morning so long as there was something to be left behind.

Had I completely hated my old job and those I worked with I think this transition would have been easier. However that was not the case. I did hate certain aspects of the org structure, and did feel I was not being treated with respect by a few key people. But 80% of the people I worked with and tasks that I did I enjoyed. So it's sad really the the 20% was bad enough that in the end I felt I needed to go.

So I mourn in my joy. I miss the sense of confidence I had about my previous position. I knew what I was doing and I was good at it. In this new role there is a lot more uncertainty. I miss the people I wored with. I miss people stopping in my office to chat, the personal connections I had. And I miss the friends I thought I had.

Working with people so much, it's inevitable that sometimes life outside of work would spill in. And I had many relationships with people which continued outside of work with BBQ's and dinners. So when the connection of work is severed, you hope that those things were real enough that the friendship will continue. And it's sad when they don't. I'm not saying that was the case with everyone. There are some who this change has strengthened our friendship. We actually chat more often now and about personal matters rather then complaning over work. But there are others who no longer contact me. Who say they are too busy. And that... that makes things so much more... bitter-sweet.

They're rubber and you're glue.

2011-05-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

Judgement is such a natural part of life. Everyone does it, everyone suffers from it. But just because we all do something never makes it right. We think that it's no big deal. Look at that person over there. Did they not look in the mirror this morning? How could they knowingly leave the house with their hair like that? Or in that shirt, those pants, those shoes... That HAT! Or what about the voice of that woman in your office? The one who talks obnoxiously loud and is completely unaware of how annoying she is. Or that totally uncool guy you won't admit you dated who was so antisocial because he didn't spend time in the right places, with the right people.

We make all these snap judgments on the people we run into every day without knowing hardly a thing about them. We do it in part because we are bored and not caught up enough in our own business, but mostly we do it because in some manner we feel insecure about ourselves. We need to bring those around us down a few pages so that we can feel elevated. What we don't realize though is that the only one we are bringing down is ourselves.

First off, the people we are judging... unless you are vocalizing your opinions, don't even realize you have made these decisions regarding them. And should you be vocalizing these thoughts to them, all you are doing is displaying the darkness and inadequacies within yourself for public viewing. Additionally, these judgements you have just made have not just gone into the air and vanished. If nothing else they are saved in your own mind as a check list. Things you must never do, never imitate, unless you wish to arise self disdain.

By demanding perfection of those around you, lest they be judged, you'll soon realize that you too are being judged. And then the self consciousness arises. Now perfection must be your standard. The slightest slip up could be the cause of hours, if not weeks, of self deflating accusations. How could you be that stupid, that naive? How could you mess that up? You'll say that you don't care what other people think, but in truth if you really had not a care about others, you wouldn't have any judgements on those around you in the first place.

In reality, when we judge, the loser is ourselves. We lose respect for others, we lose respect for ourselves. We paint the world with a cynical brush. Our thoughts destroy us from within.

Therefore let your thoughts be uplifting. When you see others that are not as you are, let them be. Be happy for them that they have found happiness, who cares if it breaks your mold? And if they have not, well then pray for them that they would. Lift them up, and in return you will lift up yourself.

The Curse of the Rain People

2011-05-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

What is it about the rain that you never get used to it? I've lived in Seattle since I was about 5 years old but the long periods of overcast and light misting or "Seattle rain" as we call it, never get any easier. Worst of all is watching people try and drive in the rain. You would think living in a place where rain is pretty much a given 80% of the time or so people would be experts. But every time it rains during the morning commute you're assured an extra 10-30 minutes of drive time to get there. Either by the constant brake lights as people worry they'll hydroplane on a puddle, or by an accident occurring from people losing all common sense and acting like the droplets of liquid falling from the sky are the first sign of the Apocalypse and God engulfing the world in yet another flood.

Even more comical is the refusal of Seattleites to do any sort of outdoor activity on a day that the sun is not radiating from the sky and technically classified as unusually warm. We're as vitamin D deficient as a cave man. Try passing off a fake and bake tan in this town as natural without being immediately discovered as a liar. Outside of the month of August if you dare sport a tan expect to be asked routinely "so where did you just fly in from?"

It's a funny phenomenon then that Seattle has a fairly large running community. Almost any weekend you want you can find some sort of sponsored run to benefit this or that cause... or in some cases just for the sake of an excuse to gather around a shared interest. One of my favorites I've heard of is the chocolate lovers run. I believe it was an 8K where instead of having energy goo and water at different intervals along the run, they had pit stops for chocolaty treats. Or the 5K sponsored by Top Pot doughnuts. I was disappointed when I learned that one was a weekend I would be out of town. What other time could I eat one of their decadent masterpieces, which are described as being like crack to the doughnut lover, without feeling extreme gilt over the knowledge of how calorie laden the carb loaded treat is?

I was wondering today as my friends and I ditched out on a run we were signed up for, exactly what percent of people who sign up for these runs actually participate? I would imagine the planners of these events must see a drastic drop in attendance based on the weather report. Perhaps organizers with pre-paid admittance fees to some of the more popular runs spend the prior evening attempting a rain dance in the hopes of a more manageable crowd. In all honesty I wouldn't be surprised to hear that for some races there is only 50% or less attendance of pre-registered runners.

I suppose I should feel more than just a little guilt over not attending the run this morning. Truly it is a story of cowardice for a person who has grown up around this kind of weather. But despite the fact that I had woken up early and prepared, I still supported my friends decision to keep on driving past the exit to the race as we looked at the long line of cars waiting on the freeway to exit, and the rain beating down on the windshield. So instead of running the 8K and attempting to "Beat the Bridge" before it went up, we sat nice and dry inside a Top Pot doughnuts sipping coffee. Then proceeded over to a friends house after the race traffic had cleared out to have brunch and drink mimosas. But really, who can stand the feeling of having wet feet?

From the fog

2011-03-05T16:39:00.000-08:00

Today I took a walk and across the lake I can see Seattle covered in a light haze. Above there are breaks in the cloud cover and the rays of the sun are breaking through and illuminating small portions of the world below. One spot is hitting the lake and it is shimmering and shining. It's the way water is meant to be seen. All of it' recesses and peaks are at their best. It has dimension.

Normally when I write a post I unleash my inner sarcastic bitch and just have fun writing without the filters in my spoken dialogues. But today I write from my insecurities. Today I write from within my own fog wondering when the sun will get to me.

I feel rejected by the world. It is a strange feeling. I don't doubt my own self worth of the strength of my character. I feel I am well rounded, amiable, and have a good character. But I doubt that others value me.

It is a sad truth that we can't be whole without connection to other human beings. Sad not because a life in seclusion is better, but sad because those we depend on will always let us down. They are after all... Only human.

I am a religious person and so I do believe that God is there and so no matter what I am not alone. And that even if others don't value me God always will, just as I am. But today, that just doesn't seem tangible. To sit and watch a movie with God is just not the same as to sit and watch a movie with another human.

I suppose regardless where I find myself in life this will always be a problem. Even if I meet "the right one for me" and we get married and have a plethora of children, I'll still have days were I feel undervalued or unvalued altogether. As long as we need, we'll always find ourselves in moments of loss.

110% Liars

2011-03-02T21:01:00.000-08:00

So maybe I'm too analytical, but have you ever thought about when people say that they are giving 110% of themselves to something. Not only is that not possible, but it is so obviously not possible... is it just me or doesn't it seem extremely idiotic to say?

It it like advertising you don't understand the basic definition of 100% of a limited resource. 100% of something is all of it. If there was 10% more that would have been included in the 100%. The only cases where 110% make sense is when there was more of something to give that wasn't given in the first place. So you're saying give me 110% of what I had before. Or what that other person had. Like in the case of a big bowl of M&M's where you give someone 10 and then tell them they can have 110% next time.

When people say they are going to give 110% to something it makes me think of a couple of things. Either they are someone who generally doesn't put their best effort into something. Say they typically give only 50% of their energy to something so now they'll give 55% of it. Basically they are generally a slacker.

Or the other conclusion I come to is that they are illogical and don't think through what they say before they speak. They are over committers and self saboteurs. They set themselves unattainable goals (either intentionally or unintentionally). Which in their inability to achieve causes them to doubt themselves and feel inadequate. And at the root of it all they are not to be trusted.

If they are so easily able to spout off unachievable comments as if they were indeed reasonable and attainable, what else could they possibly be over exaggerating and committing to in their lives?

I realize this is a common catch phrase in our society, however something being common doesn't make it right. There are far more inaccurate and obviously stupid concepts believed to be truths that have been spread around and believed in cultures and societies around the world throughout history.

My Advice to the 14 Year Old Girl

2011-02-07T23:12:00.000-08:00

Years ago when I was in college I used to co-lead a group of middle school girls at my church. I loved those girls and have often thought of them over the years. Thanks to Facebook I even awkwardly still am able to see what a few of them have been up to as they've found me and added me to their friends list.

As is the nature of being a leader of a group, I often was called upon to give advice to the girls. From time to time I think back on the advice I gave them and what I would tell them were I to go back with what I know now. So being reminiscent I decided to go ahead and write down what I would wish to tell them. It would go a little something like this...

My advice to the 14 year old girl:

1) If you think you're popular, you're not. You're probably a little bit of a bitch that people are trying to avoid. Truly popular people are the ones who are nice to everyone, have a lot of friends, and everyone feels comfortable around. They don't really consider themselves to be "popular" because they don't think themselves to me any more special than the next. - Be that kind of person.

2) That geek you're making fun of might one day be your boss. If not them, chances are someone like them will be the person who decided what financial resources you will have available to you throughout your life. So watch what you say and how you treat them. Start the behavior of respecting and being kind even to those who aren't like you now.

3) When you think you're ready to have sex, wait. You're not. If he says you'll regret it, you won't. If he says he loves you, he doesn't. And if he really does love you, he'll wait. So wait.

4) When you finally do have sex, use protection. Birth control AND a condom! You can't leave it to him to be responsible for consequences you have to deal with for the rest of your life.

5) Find a good mix of studying and school. You'll never have these years back and that works both in the area of the carefree high energy fun you'll have AND your chance to learn things that yes, will impact the rest of your life. So study seriously and be spontaneous when your schedule allows to have fun.

6) Spend one year of your adult life (20+) single! You have your whole life to be with someone, but you can't go back to figure out who you are, what your interests are, and what you want in a mate while you are in a relationship. Spending a year single will not only help you to know those things, but prove to you that you are whole in and of yourself and can survive come what may in life. That sense of self understanding will carry you confidently through life while others get caught up in identity crisis.

7) No one is perfect. That guy you're dreaming about who says all the right things and is in totally sync with your every thought doesn't exist. Accept the fact that even "the right guy" is going to annoy you sometimes, as you will him. And at times you will completely not understand each other or catch on to what they are saying or hinting. Let go of your lists. Choose a few non-negotiable, but make them realistic and about things that are truly important and confirm compatible with your moral/belief system. Definitely not a list. In the end, what really matters is can you trust him, is he dependable, does he make you feel good about yourself and special? All the rest you'll forget about and not consider it a compromise or settling if these things I've listed are true.

8) Respect yourself and know your value. If you don't know your worth, no one else will either. I'm not a cynic who believes the world is evil and everyone is on their own, but I do believe in the selfish side of human nature. Instinct and the strive for survival has inbred in us the drive of self first. We look at things always in our own light. However we also have it in our nature to be in relationship and therefore we do seek out connection with others. And when truly in love one side effect is STRIVING to put the other before our self, although often failing.
Therefore it is inevitable that no matter how great another may love you, they will never be able to be your solid foundation on which to carry your self esteem and self worth. And when they fail, if your security is in them, so will your sense of self value. You are a unique and wonderful being. No one in all time is like you. There is a creator God who not only knows who you are but planned you. You are not a mistake. And God is fiercely after you and loving you. So how can you not know how special you are? How can you not know that you are deserving of love, respect, and happiness? How can you devalue yourself to think you need someone else to make you special and you are not just intrinsically priceless? If you learn nothing else in your life, make sure you learn this. Know your own value and respecting yourself... that will make all the difference. You will never know true happiness and be unshakable until you know your own worth.

Quoth the Roommate

2011-01-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

"It so frustrating, I keep praying God would bend His will to mine but it just feels like it's not happening."

This was spoken to me a few nights ago by my roommate, and although I laughed harder than I have in a very long while, I must say the truthfulness of this statement was very refreshing.

For those who are not of a practicing faith perhaps this doesn't sound so strange. However upon reflection I hope you too do catch the comedy of this statement. It took my roommate a few moments of reflection before she caught onto the reason for my sudden outburst of hysteria and why I had fallen out of my seat without control.

The honesty in her remark, although not the words she was intending to say (I do believe) was as I said though, very refreshing. If we were in earnestness all to speak the truth, this is I think what most people would really be praying and hoping for. We are after all selfish beings. We want things done our way and to our liking. It can be difficult to put others before ourselves. And to bend our entire lives to the will of another... in every moment, action, detail... although religion teaches us this is what we should strive for I do not believe it is entirely possible. Even the most perfect person would have moments of failure.

The patience required too is something only few could ever master. We are a society of instant gratification. Should we have to revert to dial up modems I dare say would all be in need of anger management therapy. So when religion tells us that in order to experience the very best the Lord would have for our lives we must wait upon His timing, this can hardly go over well. We begin our attempts at bargaining and hurrying along what we think might be situations acceptable to the Lord... at least in our own opinions.

The very few though who at least are being honest (although perhaps futilely) do not try to scheme or bargain, but instead deal with the issue head on. We want our way, and yet as we are religious we want our will and the Lords to be equal. And thus the statement above is uttered in earnest. "Lord, here is what I want. Please decide that this is what you want for me also." Amen.

Facebook

2011-01-05T22:33:00.001-08:00

Facebook is the revolution of strange reunitings. Today I found in my suggestions of people "you might know" a cousin of mine that I haven't seen since he was maybe 6 years old. He is now about ready to graduate high school. I didn't even recognize him as someone I would know, let alone be related to, and would have ignored it save the familiar name and connection of his sister as a common "friend". It's weird that he is such a stranger to me yet here I'm being connected to him and seeing a photo of him. If not for Facebook, I probably wouldn't have seen his photo until my parents were posting his Wedding invite on their fridge. (He's also their godson.)
On the flip side, along with my cousin there were all these people I not only had no desire to connect with, I was annoyed by being reminded of them. People who's connections I have been glad to lose. And it pisses me off to think I may be in their suggested "you might know" as well. It's like stalking for the only slightly deranged.

I didn't "friend request" my cousin. Took a look and moved on. I doubt he'd remember me anyway, and if he did, I'm sure he doesn't want some long lost cousin poking around in his business. At least not at this age. Maybe after he finishes college.

Sent from my iPhone

Nothings New

2010-11-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

I say this is true with but a few exceptions:
No thought is new. Everything that can be thought has been thought before. Even if there is no evidence of it, it has been thought. The previous thinker or hearers of said thought just did not find it worthy to write down.
The only exceptions I find to this revolve around specific scientific discoveries. But the concept... the concept of such discoveries... that is not new.
So you who think yourself so revelatory... thank you Mr. Obvious.

My Platonic Boyfriend

2010-01-21T20:46:00.001-08:00

When Harry Met Sally is a classic movie that raises a question I do believe every generation raises: Can guys and girls be friends? Or perhaps I need to rephrase this "can a heterosexual male and a heterosexual female just be friends" for those completely logical types.

I love this movie and have watched it multiple times. It is one of the few movies that I have actually put forth the effort to add to my collection as I only buy movies I know I will watch over again. I'm not sure though if it ever does answer the very question it raises. For most of the movie they do indeed stay platonic, but it ends with them being quite in love.

So I still wonder, can we just be friends? There are two arguments I can think of to go against this. One, as Harry states, even if the girl in the friendship is ugly, the guy pretty much would want to "hit that". Ok, so I'm not a guy so I can't validate that argument.

Two, if the guy is any kind of decent, regardless of whether she is interested in him or not the girls ego will kick in and ask "why isn't he attracted to me? What must be wrong with me? Am I not attractive?" Her ego will not allow for her to be attractive and him NOT to be attracted to her. And I have not only felt this myself, but shamefully admit that I have done exactly what I have witnessed so many other women do: I have begun to scheme at how I could make my friend attracted to me, despite my full knowledge that should they fall, I will turn them down.

A girlfriend of mine found herself single after the deterioration of a long term relationship. She started going out to parties again and soon met a guy who she claimed to be her new best friend and only that. He was younger than her and she openly admitted neither was what the other was looking for in a relationship. But after a couple of months she wound up on my couch not just upset, but very pissed off exclaiming: "What's wrong, what's wrong with that boy? He's supposed to be interested. I think the main reason I'm contacting that boy is because I want him to be attracted to me. It's a game now. That's my goal."

And when this "game" doesn't work, if he doesn't get wise to her irresistibility, she soon starts defacing him to herself to save her own self opinion. "Maybe he's gay" she'll say to herself. Because there is simply no room in her mind for the possibility she could be an attractive woman but just simply not his type.

So... can a guy and a girl be just friends? For my part I would say yes, however only if they can both put their neuroses aside.

The unacceptance of virginity

2010-01-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

I wrote this a while ago and have been debating whether or not to post this one for a while, but here it is:

"No one has any business being a virgin at this age"- Or so a friend recently said to me.

Why? Why expose myself to someone I am unsure of? Why dirty myself with intimate memories of someone I regret? Why do people accept promiscuity but treat chastity like it is the evil, the wrong, the easier choice of weaklings?

People claim that it is the conservatives that judge. But I have experienced far more judgement from those who claim to be open, accepting, and liberal for my choice of restraint then I have ever experienced from a conservative side for my choice to swear, drink, and open sexual curiosity. But I choose to practice restraint in my life and leave my curiosity at just that until the day that I would get married. Why is that so terrible?

In all reality anyone should know that choosing to sleep with a person you are attracted to is the easier choice. Giving in to ones desires is the most carnal of our reactions. It requires no thoughts, it is instinctive. To truly restrain is to choose the path of difficulty.

Life is hard and it will be full of pains. But it doesn't follow that because life has pain we must cause our self more. In my life I have met so many women who speak of regret towards former "lovers". I have yet to meet anyone that regretted not sleeping with more people before finding "the one". And to date, I don't regret NOT sleeping with even one man that claimed I would.

No, I will not weigh myself down with needless hurts that I must overcome before I can freely love another. I will not cause myself valid cases with which to judge the skills of the man I choose to finally be with. And I do not believe that my choice constitutes immaturity. To seek gratification and not be willing to practice restraint... that is the logic we try to break children of as we teach them the virtues of patience.

So I ask, why does my choice threaten you so? Why do you judge me? I don't go around telling you to live like me, why must I live like you?

You don't know Joe

2009-12-22T18:17:00.000-08:00

I live in the greater Seattle area. So considering that I live in land that birthed Starbucks, Tully’s, and the once rising "SBC" (Seattle’s Best Coffee) -- before the Starbucks buyout and takeover that is-- you would think I would be able to get a decent cup of coffee or coffee-esque drink. Yet I repeatedly find myself wanting to demand a refund for the junk that they serve up to me and ram me up the wazu in charges for.

Maybe it's just me but it seems like this quality drought has only gotten worse with time. I remember at one point actually liking the drink served up to me at my local branch of the Starbucks Empire. Now the drivel I receive is only stomachable due in part to the large proportions of sugary syrups they use to cover up the huge dive in caliber of their product no doubt.

I contribute the drastic decline to two factors. One: the greediness of corporations to increase their profits by driving down cost of production with cheaper, lower class, materials. Two: the invention of these fully automatic espresso machines which grind, press, and brew all with the press of a button. No more need for the human touch to serve up your shot of espresso. However the resulting factor of both of these is far less quality control and a far cheaper grade of roast to your bean, thereby providing an inferior taste to the product.

I remember the first time I realized that Starbucks had converted to these machines. I went to take a sip of my eagerly awaited java only to be chocked by the bitter taste of what I guessed at the time to be an accidental mix up of mint flavoring. Being someone who doesn’t enjoy the taste of mint flavorings, I was ready to point out the error in my order to the barista when a friend stopped me. They informed me that they had experienced the same issue several times since the removal of the old manual machines, and that the taste I was in fact experiencing was burned espresso. Somehow the Toffee-Nut syrup in my drink was combining with this to create a strange minty essence. One that wasn’t even pleasing to my friend who took a try and confirmed that was indeed what I tasted.

My second gripe on the recent decline of espresso beverages would be the quality of training and knowledge of those actually preparing the drinks. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that some of these people had received no training what so ever upon being hired. And I would be even less surprised if they had no clue what these drinks they are selling actually are. It seems all they know is pretty much any drink on the menu is a combination of espresso, milk, and foam. Besides that they can’t tell you squat about the ratios and subtitle differences between these caffeinated masterpieces. Someday I would love to walk up to one of these unskilled teenybopper know-it-alls behind the counter and ramble out “Give me a triple short half calf ristretto breve cappuccino.” Because with the way they can’t seem to distinguish between the latte I ordered and the cappuccino that is 1/3 foam that they just gave me, I’m sure I would get a lot of blank stares and baffled looks.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve now switched to unsweetened, multi shot, lattes and drip coffee. Hence the quality of the bean used has started to become far more distinguishable to myself. So one must become more discriminating in the beverage providers you choose. Although some people claim that independent suppliers are the way to go, I’ve found them to be far more unreliable than the generic chain shops you find on almost every street corner. Sometimes you can hit a winner, but sometimes you just don’t want to take a risk. (Victors in Redmond is definitely a shining star in my coffee mug. Also it seems like any place serving fare trade organic roasts can usually provide at least a decent cup of drip.) In these unadventurous cases I find you can usually fool yourself to satisfaction by doubling up your shot ratio at the chain shops and getting “high maintenance” in your order. To put it another way, you basically have train the barista in how to make your drink through the list of requests you put on it. Because sadly, although we all seem to drink it, most people just don’t know their Joe.

Swaying the Skeptic

2009-12-21T16:03:00.000-08:00

I am a romantic skeptic. I don't believe it exists. At least not in the way that Hollywood and novels would have you think it does. I believe that the stories we watch and read were thought up by some fanciful mind and represent not reality but some persons full on delusions of grandeur. In reality people are much to driven and controlled by selfishness and insecurities for that kind of romance to really exist. And watching and reading such stories only causes us to find dissatisfaction with the perfectly fine relationships we do have. It makes girls set unattainable demands upon the poor men who have taken the risk of attempting to satisfy their romantic needs. Further it drives away possible suitors from ever taking the risk to be that man.

No, I do not enjoy entertaining myself with these media, save for the laugh I receive at their complete off baseness. I will not dilute my head with these lies. I will not hope for the unattainable. I am a realist. And I believe in practical romance. Messy, challenging relationships, full of simple actions that we rarely are able to get out of our own way to notice and give gratitude for.

The only love story I will say I thoroughly enjoy would be that of Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. People are always judging each other over only a moment’s acquaintance and assuming that first impression is reason enough to characterize the individual forever. The person’s appearance, voice, or small facial gesture is enough for you to know their entire personality… whether they are shy, outgoing, friendly, rude, materialistic, sophisticated… etc. And to challenge this assumption, the judged must spend hours upon hours proving your conjecture wrong before you will concede and alter your presumption accordingly.

This is all assuming the judged party hasn’t taken offense or tired of disproving the inaccurate assumption and is no longer in your circle of contacts. See that is where Jane Austin and I part ways. I would like to hope that Mr. Darcy would have been faithful to his affections for Elizabeth. However my experience in life has taught me that in reality, by the time that Elizabeth was able to finally get around herself to see him for who he truly was, he would have already moved on to Ms. Rebecca Lovegood down the lane.

Don’t think me a person devoid of romance though. I find my life is full of romance. By having absolutely no expectation that anyone will deliver such affections, I am more often than not surprised to find little tidbits of warm fuzzies in every day. In rejecting the expectation of a display of opulence, I open myself to noticing vast numbers of acts of altruism. They are in the stranger that holds the door open for you. In the friend that phones just to see how your day was. The person that pays for your coffee just because. I am romanced every day by friends and strangers alike.

I'm Speaking English...

2009-12-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not the type of person who goes out on a Saturday night with the intention of ever meeting anyone. It's not that I don't want to meet someone, but rather I have no hope that in a crowded loud environment I will be able make such a connection, have that amazing conversation that will make me go... gee, not only do I trust this person enough to give out my phone number, but wow, they are great and I really want to know more about them. Really, that never happens.

No, the type of connections that are made on such outings are purely physical. And I can face facts, I am not the type of person that people look at and think "I've gotta meet her." Not that I'm a dog or anything, but rather I have been told I pretty much have "don't fuck with me" written across my forehead.

It's not that I'm a real bitch or anything. And it's not that I'm not a friendly person and don't want to be bothered. Rather, I am not an overly smiley person. I'm happy, really. I just don't feel the need to walk around with a smile plastered across my face all the time and am not the type of person to fake that. My life is fine, I am happy with myself and confident in who I am, and I don't need to prove that to anyone by trying to put on a false persona of this happy go lucky perfect person. And if that screams "leave me alone", well, so be it.

I say all of this so you can imagine my surprise when one night I became the girl the guy wouldn't leave alone.

A couple of girlfriends and I, realizing we are not nearly as young as we used to be, but still not really old yet... decided to try out a bar/nightclub in Seattle called Twilight. It's advertised for people who are in their mid to upper 20's and early 30's. Done with the young chaotic club scene but still want to go out, dance, and maybe meet people.

Who ever designed this place definitely didn't have a dance club in mind. It's shape kind of reminds me of a dumbbell. At each end there is a larger open space with a bar, connected by a skinny narrow hallway that some genius made into the dance floor. So all of these late 20 and early 30 somethings crowed into this small space like sardines and really just bump up against each other because let's be honest, in that tight a space dancing is not possible.

Somewhere in this entwined semi-orgy my small cluster of girlfriends got sandwiched in with a small group of foreign guys. Amazingly I managed to hear over the noise that they were from Russia, although it was never clarified if they were in the states on a visit or for work. And here's a real shocker... I never bothered to ask.

Well, as I said, surprise of all surprises one of these guys took a liking to me. (I wonder if the preference for overt bitch is a Russian thing or just a personal favorite of his?) I'm not going to say he wasn't attractive, he was decent looking... on another day I might have thought him fairly attractive. You know how these things can move and sway based on mood, emotions... hormones. So when he wanted to dance, I conceded. Why not? I enjoy dancing and what's a little random groin shoved on you from time to time. And don't act shocked at that comment because let's be realistic. Modern dancing is pretty much just that.

So that was fine and dandy and all, but eventually I tired of this stranger and decided it was time to go back to my girlfriends. So I tell him thanks but I'm done and turn back to my girls. Most people should understand this part here... this is where the girl turns from the guy and starts dancing with her friends who then get in the way of the guy so he is slowly edged out of the group. Don't tell me you don't know this move because if you've been in a club... it happens all over the floor all night long.

However this guy wasn't having any of this... he just didn't want to let me go. And he starts saying all these things trying to convince me that he really is this outstanding guy that I need to stay with and give more time. His friends even get in on this at some point trying to convince my girls to dance with them and stay. Solid wing men really.

Now the first problem arises in that as I said, it is next to impossible to communicate anything in a loud environment such as this. Way to much background noise. Heck, it's not background noise, it's in your face, floor pounding, body shaking, dominating shock waves. So over all this he is trying to communicate to me his worthiness.

Second problem... again, I have no intention of meeting anyone when I go out like this. I'm really not interested because I guess I just don't believe in that there can be a connection over such small and trivial things. The kind of person that would want to thrust themselves at me before getting to know me doesn't exactly make me have much confidence in their being a winning choice. Which of course leads me to utilize problem number one with the ever so obvious excuse of "sorry, I can't hear you", your efforts are worthless. Please give up now.

But alas, Mr. USSR was not deterred in his efforts, but rather became more agitated. He began trying to whisper.... or rather yell in light of our environment... into my ear. Over and over again he repeated "This is not a one night thing, I want to take you out to dinner. It's not just one night."

So, wow. At least we were in agreement. This was not a one night thing. Only our premises were completely off. For me, this was NOT EVEN a one night thing. For him on the other hand... really, wow, he sure knows the way to a girls heart. It's not just a one night stand... I'll even buy you dinner! Yeah, now I'm not a whore! Well, that just makes everything all right then. Ok, ok, so maybe that wasn't EXACTLY what he meant... but it could be. Never went there to find out so that is all up to interpretation.

Eventually I realized my assertions of loss of hearing were completely being lost in translation and futile. To every "I can't hear you" came the response "But I'm speaking English!" Maybe someone hadn't taught him that language comprehension and the ability to convert sound waves to noise are not the same thing? I couldn't help but chuckle a little every time he said it.

In the end I was saved by the earlier than normal closing hours of most bars in Washington State... 1:30 am last call and lights on. Once the lights came on his resolve began to fade. Though he even tried to reason with my friends that he was a good guy and to give him my number, he eventually realized he wouldn't win and didn't follow us out the doors.

On second thought, maybe the "don't fuck with me" is pretty appropriate.